Robert Green and Oil Jokes
At least that's one British spillage the Americans won't be moaning about...
If life hands you lemons consider yourself lucky that you weren't "handed" a soccer ball like Robert Green.Before he got into football, Robert Green was a bus driver. But he got fired because he couldn't make any stops.* Why is Robert Green like ITV HD? They both switch off at the crucial moment.* Yesterday at London Zoo one of the staff let a a Central American monkey slip out of his grasp. So Robert Green's not the only English keeper to drop a Howler.* What does Robert Green do after winning the World Cup? Drops his controller.* Robert Green has just been refused a Savings Account in his Local Bank* At least that's one British spillage the Americans won't be moaning about...* All these Rob Green jokes are getting out of hand...In fact they're crossing the line* Kermit was right: It's not easy being Green.* The England lads had a get-together after the game and bought Robert Green a drink to commiserate. He spilled it.* Steven Gerrard said: "The whole team is behind Rob Green." With hindsight, that's a good place to stand.* My computer's got the Robert Green virus. It can't save anything.
What does an Englishman do after his team wins the 2010 World Cup?
Switches off his PlayStation!
Heaven vs. Hell Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan proposed a soccer game between heaven and earth. God, always fair, told the devil, 'the heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the "good" players go to heaven?' The devil, smiling, responded 'yeah, but we've got all the refs'..."
Rules Of The Game At one point during a soccer game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when offsides is called, or a handball is not called, you don't argue or curse or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
D
I could kick myself
Striker: "I had an open goal but still I didn't score. I could kick myself."
Manager: "I wouldn't bother. You'd probably miss."
A football player had dislocated his shoulder in a nasty challenge, and was still screaming in agony when they got him to hospital."For Heaven's sake," said the doctor, "don't be such a baby, you're supposed to be a big, tough defender. There's a woman having a baby next door and she's not making anything like the noise that you are.""That's as may be," wailed the footballer, "but, in her case, nobody's trying to push anything back in."
Offside definitionDefinition 1 : The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are drawn towards.Definition 2 : The offside rule is there to attract to football those people who can already explain how to play cricketDefinition 3 : A player is offside if they are nearer to the opponent's goal line than both the ball and the second last player - except on alternate Saturdays when in addition the second last player must be facing in the opposite goals direction in which the ball is directed.A player is not offside if they are in their own half of the field, or they are level with the second last opponent, or the player, opponent and referee form a triangle as perceived by an imaginary linesmen positioned on the Celestial Meridian.All offside regulations are immediately found to be in favour of the defending team if shortly after the ball is played they all stop, in unison, and raise their right arm to the linesman and appeal for an offside decision.
Robert Green and Oil Jokes
At least that's one British spillage the Americans won't be moaning about...
If life hands you lemons consider yourself lucky that you weren't "handed" a soccer ball like Robert Green.
Before he got into football, Robert Green was a bus driver. But he got fired because he couldn't make any stops.
* Why is Robert Green like ITV HD? They both switch off at the crucial moment.
* Yesterday at London Zoo one of the staff let a a Central American monkey slip out of his grasp. So Robert Green's not the only English keeper to drop a Howler.
* What does Robert Green do after winning the World Cup? Drops his controller.
* Robert Green has just been refused a Savings Account in his Local Bank
* At least that's one British spillage the Americans won't be moaning about...
* All these Rob Green jokes are getting out of hand...In fact they're crossing the line
* Kermit was right: It's not easy being Green.
* The England lads had a get-together after the game and bought Robert Green a drink to commiserate. He spilled it.
* Steven Gerrard said: "The whole team is behind Rob Green." With hindsight, that's a good place to stand.
* My computer's got the Robert Green virus. It can't save anything.
I could kick myself
Striker: "I had an open goal but still I didn't score. I could kick myself."
Manager: "I wouldn't bother. You'd probably miss."
Spare whistleA well-known footballer and his wife recently decided to take a holiday at a nudist camp. He was asked to referee the camp football match but, surprisingly, he declined the offer.'Why did you refuse to referee that match?' asked his wife.'I wasn't too happy about where I had to carry the spare whistle,' replied the husband.
How do hens encourage their football teams ?
They egg them on !Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches ?
They prefer cricket matches ! Why did the chicken get sent off ?
For persistent fowl play ! Why didn't the dog want to play football ?
It was a boxer ! Which insect didn't play well in goal ?
The fumble bee ! Where do spiders play their FA Cup final ?
Webley stadium ! When fish play football, who is the captain ?
The team's kipper ! Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market ?
They tend to go cheep ! How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden ?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts ! Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats ?
They might be cheetahs !
UNDERCOVER REPORTER
What a Dedicated Fan
Michael was watching the derby game between Manchester United and Liverpool; Old Trafford was packed and there was only one empty seat - next to Michael.'Who does that seat belong to?' asked the person in the next seat.
'My wife usually sits there.' Michael replied'But why isn't she here?' the neighbour persisted
'She died.' Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone.'So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your mates?'
'They've all gone to the funeral.' Said Michael.
Picked for the school team"Dad, dad!" cried Philip, as he arrived home one evening. "I think I've been selected for the school football team.""That's good," said his father. "But why do you only think you've been selected? Aren't you sure? What position are you playing?""Well," replied Philip, "it's not been announced officially, but I overheard the football coach tell my teacher that if I was in the team I'd be a great draw-back.
Struck by lightningThere is only one recorded instance in soccer history of a goalkeeper being struck by lightning during a match. The goalkeeper was killed instantly and went straight to Heaven. He was greeted by an Archangel who offered to show him around.'Would you like to see our football pitch?' asked the Archangel.'Football pitch?' said the goalkeeper. 'Do you play football here?''Of course,' said the Archangel. 'We're playing Hell tomorrow in the Cup and we needed someone in goal. Why do you think we sent for you?
How do hens encourage their football teams ?
They egg them on !
They prefer cricket matches !
For persistent fowl play !
It was a boxer !
The fumble bee !
Webley stadium !
The team's kipper !
They tend to go cheep !
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts !
They might be cheetahs !
'My wife usually sits there.' Michael replied
'She died.' Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone.
'They've all gone to the funeral.' Said Michael.
Really terrible legA full back with a reputation for being a really hard man on the pitch was sent off during a match. Returning to the changing room, he had a terrible leg.It was covered in cuts and bruises and had a massive gash from the top of the thigh to the knee. He had no idea whose it was.
An American visitor to England watched his very first first football match and was struck by the differences between English and American football.ootball match and was struck by the differences between English and American football.After the match he fell into conversation with one of the English players and remarked, 'You know, over in the States, our players wear thick protective clothing. You guys must be frozen stiff in those light clothes.''It's not so bad,' said the Englishman. 'Sometimes the ground is covered in snow.''You don't say!' exclaimed the American. 'What do you do about the balls? Paint them red?''Oh, no,' said the player. 'We just wear an extra pair of shorts.'
Funny Scouser Soccer Story
Memory Man
Robbie, the Scouser, [person born in Liverpool, England], is touring America on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Montana. He's chatting to the barman when he sees an old native American sitting in a corner-complete with full tribal gear, long plaits and wrinkles.'Who's he?' enquires Robbie.
'That's the Memory Man,' responds the barman. 'He knows everything. He can remember any sporting fact. Go and try him out.'So Robbie wanders over and asks, 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'
'Liverpool,' replies the Memory Man.Robbie is flabbergasted.
'Who did they beat?''Leeds,' is the reply.' And the score?'
'2-1.'Amazed but not totally convinced Robbie Dave tries something more specific.
'Who scored the winning goal?'Without blinking the native American replies, 'Ian St John.'Robbie, the Liverpudlian returns home and regales his relatives and friends with his tale, and he's determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man.Ten years later he has saved enough money and returns to America. After weeks of searching through the towns of Montana, Dave Robbie, the Scouser steps forward, bows and greets the old man in his traditional native tongue, 'How.'The Memory Man squints at Robbie and says, 'Diving header in the six-yard box.'Some Funny, Short Soccer Jokes
Scottish Referee
What do you call a Scottish player in the first round of the World Cup?
The Referee.World Cup Referee
It was the World Cup Final dinner and dance held in the evening, after the final. The festivities were in full swing when three newcomers arrived without tickets. 'It's all right,' said one, 'we're friends of the referee.''Whoever heard of a referee with three friends?' said the bouncer as he threw them out.
Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell.
God, invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. The devil proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell. God, always fair, said to the devil, "The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided. Don't you know all the 'good' players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"
David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."
Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice
David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."
David Beckham walks into a pub.
The landlord says 'A pint of your usual, David?'
Beckham replies 'No, just a half, then I'm off'
Its the year 2019 and Romeo Beckham is about to sign professional terms with Manchester United. Pondering the situation, he asks his Father, "What squad number should I ask for dad?"
David thinks for a moment and says...
"Wear four out there Romeo"
Q: What do Barry Manilow and David Beckham have in common?
A: A: They are both f***ing useless singers.
Q: Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
A: They both come in a posh box
Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh?
A: Posh Spice doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind.
Q: What do David Beckham and British rail trains have in common.
A: They both go in and out of Victoria
Q: What do the England footbal team and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: They've both been screwed by David Beckham.
Q: Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
A: Because he's the only fella who can lob Seaman at 60 yards!
David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Ruud Van Nistelroy.
Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head.
"No, David don't do it." Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers...."I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."
"Shut up and sit back Victoria." Beckham replies. "You're next."
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This football joke collection is courtesy of HumorSphere.com , the number 1 destination for jokes, funny pictures and crazy humor.Click Here to visit HumorSphere.
Really terrible leg
A full back with a reputation for being a really hard man on the pitch was sent off during a match. Returning to the changing room, he had a terrible leg.
It was covered in cuts and bruises and had a massive gash from the top of the thigh to the knee. He had no idea whose it was.'That's the Memory Man,' responds the barman. 'He knows everything. He can remember any sporting fact. Go and try him out.'
'Liverpool,' replies the Memory Man.
'Who did they beat?'
'2-1.'
'Who scored the winning goal?'
The Referee.
